


Just say I'm enough

by AraEtoile18



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Coming Out, I Tried, Kim Hongjoong is Whipped, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexuality Crisis, Soft Park Seonghwa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29050083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AraEtoile18/pseuds/AraEtoile18
Summary: Seonghwa was always the one everyone could rely on, the rock, the glue that held the team together and comforted them when they were down. But what happens when Hongjoong finds Seonghwa silently crying each night in their dorm and when Hongjoong thinks it's all his fault.Seonghwa has always struggled with his sexuality."When you are born into a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not."
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71





	1. How it all ended

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe this is a confusing place to start but hopefully you will understand.... Just going with the flow!

He slammed the door behind him and pressed his burning back against the white wood. Thoughts rushed through his head at a million miles an hour trying to register what just happened, why had he freaked, why did he have to shout, why had he become such a monster in such as short space of time. The thought of them finding him like this, any one of them, sat heavy on his chest like a rock, a stone that weighed down his ribs and caused his lungs to gasp for air. This isn’t me. Tears found their way to his cheeks as he sank down onto the cold, tiled floor and pressed his forehead against it. Muffling the cries merely made it harder for him to get even a breath of air and before long his head felt dizzy and light. I am supposed to be the oldest, i am supposed to hold this team together, what the am i doing here. The pain he was met with when he looked into Hongjoongs eyes after he pushed him off, the disappointment in Yeosang as he bent to help up his leader, the crinkled brow and upset look San shot at him when he tried to reach out and comfort him all only made it worse. He was a failure, he let his team down, he felt like nothing. This wasn’t unusual though, this feeling wasn’t something Seonghwa had never experienced, quite the opposite in fact. Even as a child he struggled with his self esteem and leading into his teenage years that anxiety only heightened, to the point where a panic attack a night was a way of falling asleep and looking in the mirror only caused him to cry. And as he sat on the cool floor shivering and pale with red, puffy eyes it all felt far to familiar, far too real, his nails began sinking into his palms drawing blood. 

Hongjoong was still on the ground back in the practice room with Yeosang sitting closely beside him, the other members crowded around him, their breathing still heavy from dancing but slowing to a steady sigh. "What was he thinking, why would he shout like that?" Wooyoung spoke up looking to Hongjoong as if he would have all the answers, as if he knew any more than all the other boys in the room. "Hyung" wooyoung crouched down to be eye level with Hongjoong searching for some sort of reassurance that at least one of them in this room understood "Is there something going on?".   
Hongjoong let out a steady breath trying to calm his heartrate, he didn’t want to freak, he knew that wouldn’t help. But really he had no idea what was going on with Seonghwa lately either. He wasn’t working out in the room as much, he didn’t register him when he came home late like he used to with a big smile and a hug, hell he was hardly even in the dorm anymore and whenever he was he would either be already asleep or in the shower. He felt a hand patting his head and an arm sneaking round his waist, it was comforting to know they all cared, that they would be there even when things like this happened, they were family after all and he wasn’t about to let whatever Seonghwa was going through ruin that.  
"Maybe I should go talk to him" he perked up, trying to sound positive, hopeful even, that if he walked into the room Seonghwa would be there waiting to say sorry and all would be well. Maybe even if they waited it out slightly longer he would come back, apologise, and he could wipe his tears from his smooth cheeks.  
"are you sure that’s a good idea?" yunho replied, walking over from where he was standing leaning against the wall, "yeah, maybe he just needs some space" came Mingis voice from behind. "i know Seonghwa, he always comforts us when we are upset, so I’m sure he would like a shoulder to cry on as well!". Wooyoung looked worried, San mirrored the frown, "but Hongjoong....aren’t you afraid he is annoyed because of you?", he tried to sound caring, not degrading. He tried to make it seem like this wasn’t all Hongjoong's fault even though he had considered it himself, maybe it was what they all thought. He didn’t think Seonghwa could hate him for it.  
Hé had been getting better recently, or at least that what Hongjoong thought. But then again the last time he offered to do a vlive with him Seonghwa shied away asking if he could do it with San instead because he "didn’t feel well". It was unlike him, before, before any of this, he would have jumped at the opportunity, he would even try to slowly inch closer to Hongjoong during it and Hongjoong would feel his heart rate speed up and eventually try to be as flirty as possible while being as discrete as possible at the same time. His cheeks warmed thinking about it.  
He was thrown back down to earth with the door swinging closed. He jumped a little, head up searching for it to be Seonghwa, even though he wasn’t sure what he would say if it was, or how he would look, or if their eyes would meet like they hadn't for months. But instead San answered his searching eyes with "It was just Yeosang Hongjoong, he’s going to have a check".

His jumper was off now, face pressed into it to muffle the whines and gasped forms of breath that were squeaking out his mouth at his attempt to be quite. He didn’t think he would last much longer. This was the end, he would die on a bathroom floor because he was too afraid to be honest. Honest with himself, honest with his members, honest with Hongjoong, even honest with his manager when he was worried about the bruise he found on the back of Seonghwa's neck on returning to the hotel. He blamed himself for everything, all the emotion flooded into his head until it felt as though it would burst and the only coherent thought he could make out was "failure".  
He began to rock his body back and forth on the ground trying to calm himself with no relief. Due to the pressure exerted on his head he barely heard the door to his room opening and hardly made it to the lock on the bathroom door before there was a knock. "Hyung! Hyung are you in there?" he continued to knock for a little bit, Seonghwa knew it was Yeosang and although they had been getting closer recently he couldn’t bring himself to say anything back, especially not now that his throat was burning and his voice would probably sound like a croak. He tried staying quiet and squeezing his eyes shut hoping he would leave, but the shaky breaths he was trying to calm did him know good.   
"Seonghwa I know your in there, its okay to cry. Hongjoong isn’t mad at you, none of us are, we just want to talk". Yeosang pressed his head and hand against the door trying to figure out if he could hear anything from the other side. Nothing apart from gasps every now and then, tiny almost incoherent whimpers. "Seonghwa please answer me" maybe he shouldn’t push but he just wanted to know if he was actually alive or not, if he could still speak, if he still cared about any of them. 

Seonghwa on the other hand was dying inside, he knew everything Yeosang was saying was true which only made it worse, he really was the monster, the mess, the one who ruined everything for no reason. "Would you rather be left alone?", no response. "Do you want me to wait for you to come out on your own?", Nothing. "I'm not sure how to do this Seonghwa, its usually the other way round but i want to help, if you will let me" a loud sob was heard from inside the door and Yeosangs heart sank to his feet, he pressed his ear closer to the door.  
Seonghwa was crying now, sobbing out all the emotion that was built up inside him, wailing into his hands. It was all too much, too much hurt, too much guilt built up underneath the surface, too much anger at himself and the world around him. Yeosang panicked and began to jump around a bit not knowing what to do, he opted to text Wooyoung as running all the way back to the practice room and leaving Seonghwa all alone didn’t seem practical.

-Don't tell Hongjoong but I think he is having a panic attack

\- wait scrap that he is definitely have an attack 

Wooyoung responded immediately scooting closer to San so he could see as well, they looked up and gave a faint smile and a nod to Hongjoong to try and hide their distress. 

-Are you with him now? 

-no he is locked in the bathroom and wont open the door but I can hear him crying

-like really hard 

-like if i stood in the kitchen downstairs i could probably hear him hard. 

Wooyoung and San looked at each other, neither sharing any practical thoughts about what they could do apart from tell Hongjoong or maybe go to Yeosang to help him, but Seonghwa probably wouldn’t want the whole team listening to him crying. He was quite a closed person really, never told them about his childhood or how he grew up apart from all the good parts. He shared and laughed but no one ever quite got deeper than "yeah I'm a bit tired today". Except for Hongjoong.  
Wooyoung, San and all the members really had thought him and Hongjoong were getting close recently, like really close, like Wooyoung and San close. Hongjoong often shared how excited he was to finally be getting along with the oldest in a way that wasn’t like mother-son, to be talking to him late at night when they couldn’t sleep and cuddling sometimes on movie nights. For all the other members this outburst of anger seemed to be so out of the blue, so sudden, they never saw it coming.

Seonghwas vision was going cloudy, black was creeping into the corners of his sight and the sink looked as though it was growing, not that he could see through his teary eyes much anyway. He lay himself down on his side and curled inwards gasping for breath. His mouth and fingers were numb now, tingling. He coughed and heaved as his eyes began to close. Silence. 

-answer pleeease Wooyoung what do i do???

Yeosangs hand was shaking and tears brimmed in his eyes. He had witnessed this before, he even had one or two a while back during his exams and Wooyoung would help him count his breathing, but Seonghwa sounded like he was dying of pain. Suddenly the wailing stopped and he made his way briskly back across the room over to the bathroom door and pressed his head against it again. His phone buzzed.

-Is he still crying 

-Emm no, its completely quiet....

"Seonghwaaa, Hyung, are you okay? Seonghwa please answer me, are you still in there?" his hands were sweating as he frantically tried calling Wooyoung who picked up immediately. He was crying now and his voice was shaky and broken as he stuttered out "I-I I don’t know what happened Wooyoung, what if he is dead, its all my fault i shouldn't have pressured him to open the door I-" "stop Yeo. Stay on the phone, San and I are coming". Wooyoung pushed the door open slightly and motioned for San to follow him with a nod of his head, Yeosang still evidently crying softly on the other end of the line.


	2. Going through the motions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one skips back a month or two.

Hongjoong heard the muffled cries from the bed across from him, little whimpers and sniffs. It had been like this for the last few nights since they had returned from Europe, Seonghwa would lay with his duvet over his head and his face in the pillow pretending to be asleep when Hongjoong came out of the bathroom after a shower. He would slip into the bed beside him say a quiet goodnight and flick off the light on the bedside table. Then he would wait silently for a while, maybe an hour, with his eyes as wide open as he could, since he fell asleep so easily, and listen. Listening to the soft crying of his hyung, his best friend and wonder what could possibly be the matter.   
They had been getting close recently. When they went to dinner in Italy all together Seonghwa chose to sit with him. When they watched a movie on the hotel rooms at night they snuggled under the blanket and Seonghwa didn’t mind his absent touches across his thigh when he would brush his little hand over his skin. One day while they were walking around the city Seonghwa even extended his hand and Hongjoong grabbed onto it for dear life hoping he would never let go as they swung their arms. So on returning he had hoped that possibly at nights they would talk, when all the other members were asleep maybe they would stay up and laugh, or write a song or just rant about anything and everything. But instead Seonghwa came home, went straight to bed and has been the same way for the past week.

Tonight it was louder, but Hongjoong couldn't bring himself to say anything. What was he meant to say, he wasn't good at this, yeah he was the leader but he would rather encourage someone to keep fighting any day than try to stop them from crying. He was awkward, even if it was Seonghwa. But he couldn't take it anymore, his chest hurt, a pang of guilt for even thinking about himself in a situation like this. "Seonghwa?" the muffling stopped instantly, Hongjoong froze not sure what to do next. "Are you alright?" he turned so he was facing him and reached his hand out to turn on the light so he could see his face. He heard a mumble of a yeah followed by a slight jerk of movement from under the blanket he assumed was a nod.   
"Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it?" his palms were damp, he wiped them on his pyjama shorts clearing his throat while sitting up. "Just go to sleep" there was a pause, a sharp intake of breath "Please". He didn’t want to barge, didn’t want to push into Seonghwa's personal life and ruin whatever sort of friendship they had. "O-okay, sorry...um...goodnight" he flicked the light back out and threw his head back so he was staring at the blank ceiling. It was silent, earie, a high pitched squeal settled in his ears.

The days went by as usual, busy schedule barely gave neither Hongjoong nor Seonghwa time to speak with one another anyways, but Hongjoong was sure they would have at least made eye contact if they really wanted too. It felt was though he were avoiding him, opting to sit at the furthest corner, not returning the warm smiles he tried to send, not looking up at him during practice. But really apart from that he was the same. Hongjoong would has guessed no other members would have noticed anything off about him, he was the same old caring, loving Seonghwa everyone knew. Except at night. Except in their dorm. Except when the shower would run for over an hour. Except the light went off 3 hours earlier than it used to. The part where Hongjoong sleep every night to the sound of Seonghwa's cries, that was new. And that's what led Hongjoong to believe this was all his fault, it had to be. 

Weeks past and the guilt sitting like a pit in Seonghwas stomach only grew with time. It gnawed away at him, like an animal waiting to devour its prey. This morning his eyes were still puffy, the rim of them still glowing a light pink as he stared at himself in the mirror. He had already been in for far to long but he couldn’t bring himself to open the door and meet Hongjoongs bedhead and sleepy lips. Not when he felt like this. His reflection staring back at him did no good in hiding how he felt inside like he had been desperately trying to do for the past few weeks. He would be sick today. It was the only option. He knew Hongjoong heard him, or at least he did once and more than likely he stayed up the next night and possibly the next to see if he was okay. But Seonghwa couldn't bring himself to care enough to keep the emotion in, he thought if he did he might burst.  
His hand unconsciously ran up to his neck and he slipped his fingers around it. Suddenly he felt the urge to get sick and ran to the edge of the toilet. His fingers made their way down his throat as he tried to make himself gag, his lack of dinner from the night before making it almost impossible to allow anything to come up. 

Hongjoong sat at his desk contemplating knocking, there was only 15 minutes until practice and he still had to shower, eat and run all the way to the other end of the building. He always complained about others being late, he didn’t want to show up late himself. 

Just when he was about to bring his hand up to the door and politely ask Seonghwa to hurry along he heard coughing from the other side. "Seonghwa? are you alright" it sounded like he was throwing up and Hongjoong began to panic, throwing down his towel and toilet bag on his bed so he could open the door properly, but it was locked. "Seonghwa, are you....getting sick?" he pressed his ear up to the door. "I'm fine Hongjoong". That was a lie. 

"Please open the door" he knocked gently hoping he didn’t sound as concerned and anxious as he felt. He heard rustling and moved away from the door before being faced with a pale, exhausted Seonghwa. "I think I need the day off" Seonghwa breathed out the words like a heavy sigh, walking over to his bed and flopped onto it. Hongjoong was disappointed Seonghwa didn't even glace at him. "O-okay, ill just shower quickly then I will get you a basin" he smiled standing on his toes looking over to he bed, trying to grab Seonghwas attention, but realised his eyes were already closed.


	3. Your bad dreams

He was running, feet carrying him as fast as they could to the street lamp at the end of the alleyway. The sky above him rumbled and rain poured down on him, he was a shadow, a silhouette. He felt his feet slowing down and turned to look behind him, to see what or who he was running from. 

It was a tall, dark figure, broad shoulders, big hands and he was just walking, yet the distance between him and Seonghwa was closing dramatically fast.   
He tried to continue running but found his feet stuck to the ground, throwing his body forward with all his might, just trying to move, to get away. But it was too late. He felt an arm wrap around his waist and squeeze his insides until he felt as though he would burst. His mouth went dry and eyes began to water. He knew what was coming. 

I deserve it, it’s all my fault, I deserve it.

The man pulled up his shirt and ripped his jeans down his legs so he was exposed to the cold air, feet still frozen in the spot, stuck to the ground. Pain filled him from behind. I deserve it. I deserve it. He sobbed. 

Hongjoong sat up in his bed rubbing his eyes and glanced at the clock, it was 4 am. He wondered what woke him when another cry ripped through the air and caused his pulse to stop for a moment. He tried searching through the darkness to see the bed beside him before turning on the light and finding Seonghwa struggling. His hair was stuck to his forehead, his breathing unsteady like he has just run a marathon, chest noticeably heaving up and down.He was fisting the sheets, knuckles whitening from the strain. 

Hongjoong pulled his sheet back and got out of bed to get a closer look, his eyes now wide. His stomach churned at the sight. 

Seonghwa was muttering under his breath, words slurring together so Hongjoong couldn't quite make out what he was saying. But he presumed he was having a nightmare, which wouldn't be unusual considering all his recent crying. 

There must have been something seriously wrong, something must have happened, but Hongjoong had already racked his brain every night trying to come up with some sort of explanation. Maybe he wouldn't even want Hongjoong to wake him if he was the reason for his hurt. He took a few steps back and sat softly on the bed with a deep sigh, watching as Seonghwa faced scrunched and turned and furrowed. 

A louder cry was heard and Hongjoong knew he would have to wake him, no matter how Seonghwa felt about him he was sure that what he was dreaming must have been worse. So, he carefully placed his hands on Seonghwa's shoulders and gave him a light shake. Two dark pupils surrounded by red met with his. Their faces were merely inches apart and Hongjoong could feel Seonghwa breath tickling his nose, his heart rate now meeting the others.

In the heat of the moment, he suddenly burst and pressed his head into Seonghwa's chest. "Oh, I'm so glad you’re okay! It was just a dream Seonghwa. You’re alright now" he chanted while rubbing the two shoulders he had in his arms, tears forming pooling ready to spill.

Relief washed over Seonghwa like a wave, he was drowning in thankfulness. He was back on earth, it wasn't real, it didn't happen, at least not tonight.  
It took him a while to register that Hongjoong must have seen he was having a nightmare and his cheeks heated in embarrassment. He just prayed he hadn't said anything.

It was comforting to have Hongjoong lying on him, reminding him he wasn't completely alone. His head warmed him laying against his chest, even though he was sweating, but a kind of warmth that exerted comfort and safety. It had been so long since they had been this close and he missed it. He missed his small hands ruffling his hair every now and then or his palm patting his neck. He missed his laugh. His smile. Tears brimmed. New tears. 

He knew it was his fault Hongjoong was no longer the bubbly happy leader he was just months before, he realised that. He wasn't blind and though he wasn't quite sure what Hongjoong wanted from this relationship, it was clear he wanted more than a cold shoulder or a missed glance. It was clear he was hurting because of him. 

He felt fresh tears, running down his face and slipping into his mouth as he choked on them, wet sobs slipping past his bitten lips. Hongjoong was still whispering but Seonghwa felt him stir when he hiccupped another light sob. 

"Oh, Seonghwa its okay" he used the pad of his thumb to wipe the tears "Hey, it's all over now, you’re okay". He looked so genuine, so caring. But Seonghwa’s guilt only grew from the boy’s sweet gestures. He wasn’t meant to be so nice to him, not after he had been treating him recently. 

Hongjoong’s eyes were bright but his eyelids were struggling to stay open. Seonghwa admired his features, eyes skimming along the edges of his jaw, his nose and his eyelashes, settling on his lips. They were puffy from sleeping, plump and tinted a light pink. His face was stained with tears but his skin was glowing in the warmth of the bedside light, emitting sunlight, it looked so soft. He had a light comforting smile on his face and he continued to catch the tears that dribbled down Seonghwa's cheek, chuckling slightly.

Hongjoong noticed how Seonghwa’s eyes danced around his face as though he were looking for something, some sort of answer to a burning question, but Hongjoong wasn’t quite sure what it could be. His face burned, the blush creeping up his chest and settling high on his cheeks. He just stayed where he was sitting on the edge of the bed, wiping the tears as they spilled and offering his happiness as a way of taking his mind off of whatever had been going on in that dream. 

There was silence for a while, Hongjoong not knowing whether to ask and Seonghwa desperately hoping he wouldn’t. So, they just stared, eyes locked on each other, dark pupils moulding together. 

Suddenly, Seonghwa was all too aware of the boy on top of him, of his weight pushed against his side and hands brushing his face. He felt as though Hongjoong could see right past his eyes, into his mind and read all the awful thoughts that were floating around so casually, his brain now a home to them.   
He coughed to clear the thick air of the room and wiggled free of Hongjoong’s grasp, swinging his legs to the opposite side of the bed. He kept his back to him, squeezing his eyes shut when the question he knew would come reached his ears.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” An arm reached out to try turn his shoulder so their faces would meet. He knew Hongjoong only cared, he knew he was only asking out of politeness. He was their leader; it was his job to worry about his members. And that’s why the pit in Seonghwa’s stomach only grew even deeper when he dodged the hand and shied away like it stung him to be touched. And why out of nowhere he was running into the bathroom and throwing up all over again. 

There was a light knock at their door so Hongjoong forced his weak, tired body up off the bed and make his way over. The sounds of Seonghwa gasping for air in the bathroom echoed around their room and he thought he would have to join him eventually. 

It was Yunho, his eyelids hardly being held open enough to be able to see Hongjoong’s face. And before he knew it other sleepy, blinking eyes joined him.  
“Is everything okay? We heard a scream and thought he should come.” He suddenly heard a groggy, deep voice from the left, “it was a pain getting Wooyoung out of bed, believe me! so this better be worth it and not you two just having some fun at 4 in the morning and letting a moa-”. “Yeosang!” he winced in pain from the light punch he got from Jongho. 

“It’s Seonghwa, he’s um...uh...he had a emm” Hongjoong was stuttering out the words not sure if Seonghwa would appreciate everyone else knowing what had happened. “I’m fine! Everyone just go back to bed” was the loud shout that burst through the bathroom saving Hongjoong from having to say anything else. 

It was harsh, Hongjoong jumped slightly at the volume.


	4. Maybe it's not wrong

The cold wind that hit him in the face when he turned the corner was welcomed, his cheeks burned from anger and embarrassment and guilt and all the other emotions that were crawling within him. He decided to take a walk and clear his head. 

He made his way down the concrete path wrapped in a long, puffy coat that reached his mid-calf, cap on his head to keep his eyes hidden. His face was plastered to the floor beneath him where he took tiny shuffles of a walk, focusing on the stone he was kicking. 

They had planned to eat dinner all together tonight and then finish the series they had been watching for the past week. It was a Friday, Hongjoong had even agreed to come home earlier so he could join them, so they got the chance to catch up properly with each other. 

But today, Seonghwa couldn’t bring himself to do it. To face them all. It had been 3 days since his nightmare and although none of them sent him any sort of gesture the next morning or throughout practice or even the whole day, as though nothing had happened at all, he still felt awful. 

He knew deep down if it were to be any of the other members that it happened to, he would try to move on and forget it happened as well, for their sake, for their pride. They weren’t the kind of sit round and sort it group, someone would always laugh. But instead, they would forgive, move on and pretend nothing ever happened in the morning, smiles all round. It didn’t mean they didn’t care, not at all, it just meant they cared so much that they knew each other well enough to know how and when to approach. They each knew that if they wanted to talk someone would listen, but no one was pressured and no one felt pushed into sharing. 

Seonghwa thought it had worked well up until now and he honestly thought he was grateful for the lack of attention to his rude behaviour. But something didn’t sit right with him. He was silently pleading someone would ask, open the can and let it all spill out, but at the same time praying he could continue his confident aura.   
His smile was getting harder to force, not only because he was hurting, but because he was afraid he was hurting everyone else around him. 

A woman crossed the road in front of him dragging a little girl behind her. She held a soggy rag in her hand that he supposed was a tiny blanket and used it too wave at him from below. A smile tugged at his lips, at least she didn’t think he was a monster. 

On approaching the bridge Seonghwa took a seat on the cold, metal bench he and Yeosang usually sat on in summer and let a heavy sigh leave his lungs. It was overcast today. The clouds above him somehow knew it was a bad day, that even rain would be relief, some form of cleaning him, washing all this away. 

He closed his eyes and shivered at the numbness clinging to his fingers, rubbing them together to create some friction and keep him in some way warm enough to sit until the dinner was at least over. It was a particularly cold November this year. 

His mind began to wander to April when they started their tour. It was so warm that day, they rushed to the airport with bags flying everywhere. He imagined the sun was beating down on him right at that moment and it helped him warm. 

But as his head was flooded with images upon images of them traveling from one country to another, a bus, plane, car...the thought that kept poking him in the side, the only face he cared to look at, was Hongjoong.

Hongjoong, Hongjoong, Hongjoong.

It was all his mind seemed to focus on and he forced his eyes open and be met with black crows swopping above the grey clouds hanging low in the sky. His hands balled into a fist, a voice inching its way into his mind.   
It was his moms, her soft, honey voice sweetly floating back and forth through his head.

“It’s a sin darling”

She had taken him to confession every week from then on and every week he was forced to apologise for how he was, who he was. He was taught to cross himself whenever he thought of another boy in ‘that way’. But that’s not what hurt. What hurt the most was the look in her eyes, the disappointment that swarmed within her until it burst out every now and then, causing her to lash out at him for no apparent reason.

He would often stand leaning against the doorframe to her bedroom at night and hear her crying out to god to ‘fix’ him, to change him. And the fact that she thought her son was a failure, a let-down, a disgrace to the Park family, ate away at him throughout his entire life. 

That’s why he tried so hard at everything he did. Because when she heard he might actually succeed at something in his life she looked at him like she used to. She talked to him like she did before. She thought he was enough again.

This must have been punishment. This must have been some higher being telling Seonghwa to stop. Stop caring about Hongjoong. Stop dreaming about him. Don’t let your heart rate speed up or your knees get weak. Don’t let the excitement show on your face when he gets close. Don’t think about possibly ranting to him in the middle of the night, when all the lights were out and only the sweet sound of his breath filled the space between you, holding him before you go to sleep. 

It was what he had been telling himself for the past year and yet it did no good but make him want him more. He craved his touch, he tripped up and ended up fucking asking him to be touchy with him. He wanted to hold his tiny hand and snuggle with his warm body and whisper into his hair that he liked him.   
So that’s why.

That’s why he was punished. All those prayers his mother had said for him finally paid off. His thighs squeezed together as he swallowed the lump forming in his throat, just the thought of that man, those hands, the pain, it made his back ache. 

When it begins to rain, he decides his only option is to head back home, feet dragging along the way, chest heavy.   
When he arrives it’s all quiet so he hopes they had maybe changed their minds and gone to bed. He hangs his wet coat on the rack and tip-toes through the hall to the living room only to find them all wrapped up in blankets, eyes glued to the screen.   
“Seonghwa!” Wooyoung turns his head and gives a big wave and a smile which he shakily returns. He was caught, too late to sneak to bed now. 

He huffs a sigh and grabs a blanket to sit down in the only available seat next to Mingi, who offers him a cute little grin. And he gets to focusing on what they are watching.   
He feels eyes on him and quickly flicks his own to the right and then straight back to he screen to see who was watching him, leaves it for a bit and does the same. Hongjoong’s eyes burn into him like fire, lighting up his whole body. He’s suddenly self-conscious that something was on his face, or that his hair was a mess after the rain and discretely tried to fix it. 

After a while he becomes agitated by the constant heat in his belly and eyes on his neck so he purposely turns his head and stares right back into Hongjoong’s face. He notices he’s been caught if they way he quickly switches his gaze back to the screen is anything to go by. 

When the episode finishes some head to bed and Seonghwa takes his opportunity to sneak back to the room unnoticed and cry in the shower before Hongjoong can get in. But his plans are wasted when the boy across the room mimics his movements, picking up his blanket with a grin, as though he was only leaving to follow Seonghwa. 

‘If I sat back down would it really be that obvious...maybe he would think I just needed to change seats. I could just make my way to the kitchen to eat something, since I skipped dinner, wouldn’t be that unusual'. He turns his back glancing around trying to think of a quick way out of this situation. 

“Are you going to the room?” there’s a hand on his lower back and he stiffen, tense, teeth clenching together. “uh well I...” “you can still shower if you want, I’m just really tired so I thought we could head up together” Seonghwa could barely hear his voice above the sound of the music from the TV, but it was there, a whisper shooting right into his ear and down his spine.   
Before he could reply Hongjoong was off, making his way up the hall to their room.

Hongjoong stilled in his bed, face turning away from the bathroom door when he heard the lock clicking open. He had planned this, for a while now, and tonight was his chance. The shower hadn’t ran as long as usual so he presumed Seonghwa was in a better mood, or at least just not in a mood. 

Earlier at lunch he had purposely sat close to him, just to see. He laughed louder with his eyes fixed on the man beside him, not even a smile. He stood on his toes under the table, but Seonghwa pulled back. He brushed his thigh against his, but Seonghwa caved in on himself. His face never left his plate, head never lifted, eyes never locked. 

So Hongjoong decided today would be the day he would ask. It had been too much for too long. He knew he shouldn't barge, or push or shove. But the thought that he had done something wrong sat heavy on his chest and high in his throat anytime Seonghwa ignored him. 

But he wasn't completely out of it, he realised Seonghwa had been missing a lot recently. He called in sick at least once a week and hardly ever made it to dinner, that couldn’t possibly be because of him. He was slipping away and Hongjoong had no idea why. Why the sudden change, the jump from happy to distressed seemed so out of nowhere. But he didn't want to speak with the others about it, they kept saying he probably just needs space, it's a phase, it will pass. It wasn't their fault, they didn't know Hongjoong found him hyperventilating in the bathroom on more than one occasion when he would decide to spring home for the night and finish his work in the dorm, which made him constantly wonder if he did that before crying into his pillow every night. Hongjoong never told them all the little things he had began to notice.

Seonghwa slipped into bed and Hongjoong waited for the light to be put out. Just when it was he could see Seonghwa on his phone, back turned. He slipped out of bed and swiftly tiptoed across the creaky floorboards before stopping at the edge of the others bed. 

"Hwa" he reached his hand out to give him a light shake, but Seonghwa didn't turn around, instead answering with a quiet "yea?" fingers still typing about at what ever he was doing. He felt terrible, like he was sitting in a bubble that shouldn't be popped, and here he was with his pin out waiting. 

He slowly dragged the covers back, which caused Seonghwa’s head to turn slightly and he visibly stiffened when Hongjoong slid under the sheet next to him. His head was met with Seongwha's hair and he had the urge to reach out and run his fingers through the damp strands but restrained himself. 

"I just thought we should talk" he held his breath and shut his eyes forcefully waiting for a response, a shout, maybe even to be pushed out the bed and fall onto the cold floor. But nothing came. So he pushed his luck a bit further by slipping his hand onto Seonghwa’s side and letting it rest there. 

He gulped and heard Seonghwa do the same while lowering his phone onto the mattress. He was so hot, his hand was burning from the heat emitting from his body. Seonghwa was wearing silky Pyjamas that hung around his body and slipped across his abdomen when Hongjoong moved slightly closer and let his arm drape around Seonghwa's small waist, he breathed against his neck as he spoke

"I can tell you haven't been feeling great recently and I just wanted to apologise if I did anything to hurt you or make you upset. Or maybe it was another member?.....or maybe its something completely different that happened....?” Hongjoong began drawing comflrting circles across Seonghwa abdomen, to calm his nerves as much as Seonghwa’s. “I just wanted to let you know that it's okay to be upset Seonghwa, we all have bad days. But we are here for you if you ever need to talk, we still care about you if there is something wrong that’s making you uncomfortable, please tell us so we can sort through it. You know we only want you to be happy right? None of us ever meant to hurt you if we did. If you want to talk about it I'll stay here for a while and wait until your ready but if not that's okay too". 

Seonghwa breathed out steadily when he finally heard Hongjoong stop talking. He let his pulse slow down and tried to stop sweating. This had never happened, they had never lay together, not purposely anyway and not this close to one another. His mind was running away from him and he tried chasing all the thoughts, putting them back in some sort of order.

He felt the grip around his waist tighten and the breath on his neck steady out as the circles being drawn slowed to a stop. Most likely Hongjoong was falling asleep. He contemplated turning and hugging him back but every fibre inside him screamed no. It felt so wrong to be happy to have Hongjoong so close, to be held by him so tightly, especially when he had been taught never to be caught like this. But his scent wrapped around him, engulfing him, it was like a whisper telling him he was safe, that he was okay. He knew everything Hongjoong said was true, he knew he should believe him and reassure him the poor boy had done nothing wrong but when a light snore brushed the hair on his neck he knew Hongjoong was long gone. 

How could something that was apparently wrong feel so lovely. This was all Seonghwa needed, to be reminded he could still be held without being crushed, that he wasn't dirty or a waste of space. He had scrubbed his body over and over and over until it glowed red every time he left the shower because he couldn't get the feeling of those hands off of him. But this was Hongjoong and for the first time in a while Seonghwa felt as though his touch was okay, that this was okay, he felt

nice. 

He laced his fingers with the others and gave a light squeeze. 

Maybe, just maybe the whole world wasn't on fire.


	5. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next two chapters contain detailed rape/non-con, if you wish to skip!

August 2019

He stood with his chest pressed firmly against a cold brick wall, two hands held behind his back, face turned so the brickwork felt as though it was cutting into his cheek. The man behind him stood on his heels from behind, his black boots scraped away at the tanned skin, exposing the pink flesh beneath.

Seonghwa could feel the man’s breath against his neck, hot, wet, he shuddered at the thought. "Don’t move" he whispered into the back of his neck with a voice that sounded torn between lust and hatred, thick like honey.

The lack of English didn’t make much of a difference the man should have realised he didn’t want this. Seonghwa squirmed in his grasp trying to cry out for help but failing miserably when a hand was pressed harshly against his mouth. He could suddenly feel a tongue skim the rim of his ear and travel down to the curve of his neck where his flesh was exposed beneath his wide neck shirt. The man’s teeth sank in to his shoulder and the silent scream he let out was barely audible as it faintly echoed around the dark alley. 

Below him the ground was wet, a puddle forming from the heavens opening up. The rain battered down against his scalp and his hair was like wires sticking to his forehead in waves. In the distance car horns and the screeching of breaks could be heard, laughing and shouting. 

Seonghwa cursed himself for ever leaving the others, for making his way to the toilet on his own in a foreign country, for ending up being stuck between a wall and a giant eating him from behind. The man’s hand started at Seonghwa’s calf, snaking its way up to his thigh, his coarse fingers spreading around the tight blue jeans which were now stuck to him from all the rain, and the sweat he was exerting from nervousness. 

Seonghwa could hardly breath, his lungs were contracting at a furious rate merely trying to allow him enough oxygen to hold himself upright. 

Was this really happening? His friends were just one staircase and a few doors away, some had probably even gone up to the room by now. His eyeliner began to run, he could feel his eyes becoming cloudy from the black that was replacing the tears forming.  
He tried to keep his focus on the water droplets running down the wall, his eyes followed them as they chased each other and he tried using them to distract himself. Little hiccups escaped his mouth from behind the dirty hand gripping his cheek, it smelled like smoke.

Hongjoong was probably sitting at the bar waiting for him to come back, or maybe by now he had made his way to the toilet, not found Seonghwa and went up to Mingi and San’s room like they had planned.

Oh, how Seonghwa wished one of them would mistakenly stumble down the wrong set of stairs, open the creaky metal door and find him. Anyone at all, please just find him. 

The man’s hand found its way to the buckle of his jeans and began undoing it. He was panicking now, he thought he would pass out, collapse and be dragged away into the darkness and never be seen again. The grip on his mouth loosened and instead fell to his neck, bruising his skin. The teeth sinking into his shoulders were beginning to draw blood which mixed with the rainwater and ran down his back.

"Please S-sir I-I don’t speak English, I-I...ah...Please let me go" he cried but was straining against the grip on his neck, his voice only a muffled squeak. The man started mumbling things Seonghwa couldn’t understand even if they were proper sentences. He struggled, but the grip on his neck only tightened.

The man was large, at least a head above him and double his width. He barely got a close look at him before he grabbed him and jammed him against the wall. But in the bar of the hotel, he had noticed him, watching him from the corner of the room, a drink always in his hand. 

He had these awful eyes, large and dark, Seonghwa felt like he drowned in them whenever he mistakably made eye contact, he could feel his stare burning into the back of his neck constantly. They hadn’t sat for long and didn’t intend to drink much as they were heading home tomorrow. 

Wooyoung began to joke about how "that guy keeps staring at you Seonghwa, I think you've got an admirer". He was only joking but it frightened Seonghwa, not just because it was a stranger staring, he was an idol, people stared. But because of how casually Wooyoung brought it up and how everyone would laugh alongside him as they joked around, like it wasn't a big deal to be...well...gay.  
Little did he know that same man would follow him the wrong way to the bathroom and dig his nails into his wrists to drag him outside. 

Seonghwa shivered, goose bumps were forming all along his arms and back. He thought about giving up, just letting it happen and hoping in the morning he could forget. Maybe struggling is only making it worse. 

"Help, help, please" he was crying now, trying to form words through his sobs, Korean slipping from his lips even though he knew no one anywhere near him could possibly understand what he was saying, even if they heard. He began coughing from the strain on his throat. 

The man pushed himself against Seonghwa's back knocking the breath out of him and a whimper escaped his now bruised lips. His mouth filled with the metallic taste of blood from the inside of his cheeks. 

The man’s stubble scraped along his jawline, it was scratchy, his breath hot. Seonghwa could smell the pungent warmth of liquor on the back of his throat and squeezed his eyelids shut before the man began kissing his face, sloppy and harsh. 

This is it he thought. 

If God existed now would be a good time or was this a way of punishing him for ever considering himself worthy of love, for all the times he argued with his mother that being gay was not a sin, that it was just the way he was born. She is the only one he has ever told. They used to be close, he used to tell her everything. But with the way she reacted when he worked up the courage to finally let the words out into the real world, he promised himself the words would never leave his mouth to be spoken to anyone else again. 

A large hand found its way under his shirt and started retreating downwards. 

Please, Hongjoong, please find me, was all that was being repeated in his head, over and over and over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> Thanks for reading this far! Comments and kudos always welcome.  
> Sending my love ❤️💜


	6. After

Seonghwa didn’t know how long he had sat with his knees pushed up against his chest head buried between them, minutes or hours. He was frozen. Shaking. Staring at nothing but seeing everything over and over again. He knew he should try get to the room, crawl in bed and hide. If he stayed here any longer someone might find him like that and shame would eat him alive. 

He hauled himself up from the wet concrete and wiped the tears from him face. How would he get inside without anyone seeing him, how would he walk through the halls without the boys noticing? He wished the ground would sallow him. Maybe he could go back in time and start the night all over again. His back tensed as he leant his hands against the wall to steady his shaky legs. The metal door was still open and he mapped out the way to the bar toilets so that when he stepped inside, he could walk it with his eyes almost closed. 

In the bathroom Seonghwa took off his silk shirt, which was coated in blood, he was soaked to the skin and tried drying his chest off with tissues. Along his way he couldn’t help but notice the injuries, scratches, teeth and nail marks and before he knew it his head was in the toilet throwing up. He just needed to get to the room, don’t cry before you get to the room. He threw what was left of his shirt back over his shoulders to cover as much of his body as possible and stumbled out the stall to the back stairs. 

Wooyoung must still have been with the others. 

The reflection in the mirror was once again an enemy. He couldn’t bring himself to look. Instead, he just stripped off his clothes and used a wet cloth to clean off the fluids. He felt so dirty. He towelled his body and tried redressing into his pyjamas. When he bent over his mind was cloudy, scenes flashed before his eyes and he stumbled around before collapsing onto the floor. 

The man had torn his shirt open at the front and pressed his chest against the brick wall before slamming his own body against Seonghwas. A large hand slipped in between him and the wall, around his lower belly, to hold their soaked bodies together as the other hand gripped tightly around his neck, the long, dirty nails sank into his flesh and he began pushing his hips against Seonghwa’s ass. His groans echoed around Seonghwa’s body when the he opened his mouth to nibble all down his neck and shoulder again and again. Seonghwa bit the inside of his cheek so hard he drew blood, but the worst was yet to come. The invasion into his body stimulated pain up his whole back and down the back of his thighs as the man trusted ruthlessly into him over and over again. All Seonghwa could do was cry and plead him to stop, his body and mind unconnected as he froze, unable to fight back any longer. His chest scrapped against the brickwork leaving grazes all across his pecs the more he was forced against it. He was filled with hot liquid and thrown to the ground. 

Seonghwa rocked his body back and forth on the cool tiles trying to prevent himself from fainting. He was shaking, arms wrapped around his body and clinging to himself. Breath in, Breath out, breath in-tears surfaced and fell uncontrollably.  
He managed to unlock the door and crawl into bed.

The light clicked on and he was hauled out of his thoughts, blinding him behind his eyelids as he tried to hide his head further under the covers.

“Oh my god! Seonghwa you should have told us you were going to bed! Hongjoong has been looking everywhere for you ya know!” he could hear the zipper to Wooyoung’s pants opening as he disappeared into the bathroom. When he reappeared back in the room Seonghwa had switched the light back out.

“Are you trying to be annoying Ya! you know I can’t see in the dark! Did you have fun today hmm?” he anticipated his next move trying desperately to be quiet so Wooyoung would get the idea and let him sleep. But a drunk Wooyoung would talk to a wall and happily have a conversation with it. 

“You know Hongjoong told me he liked your shirt” yeah, I liked it too “Hmmm he said you looked hot tonight, doesn’t that make you happy?” his voice was almost singing. Seonghwa felt a dip in his bed and squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.

“Hyung?” a hand brushed the strand of hair was that sitting across his face to the side and he thanked fuck the light was off, or else Wooyoung would have seen the bruises on his cheek. Wooyoung began whispering now, aware Seonghwa was trying to sleep “ooh sorry hwa, I just presumed you were awake since it’s still so early”. Wooyoung stayed on his bed, legs stretched out and back against the headboard propping himself up. “Don’t you think San looked sexy tonight, his jeans were just so.... tight! I’m going to sit beside him on the plane tomorrow and we can eat and watch a movie and fall asleep together”.

Seonghwa could feel Wooyoung’s smile through his whispers. He had spaced out slightly, not exactly sure what Wooyoung was talking about but he felt bad asking him to shut up. 

His mind began to wander with the faint sound of Wooyoung talking in the background, most likely still about San. He thought about how easily it happened, how it could have been any one of them or maybe this had already happened to one of them... no... they would have said something, but would they have? Is it something people speak about? 

The thought of Wooyoung who was sitting beside him being abused or assaulted or bruised made his stomach churn up inside him and what about Yeosang, god the thought of it...or Jongho, any of the members really. The thought of some dirty man throwing them around and ripping their clothes.... shit. Hongjoong had followed- “is Hongjoong alright? Where did he follow me to? Did you see him after he came back looking for me? Did he go into his room??” Seonghwa shot up, eyes wide darting about Wooyoung’s face through the darkness. 

“ssshh Hwa he’s okay! He’s in his room with Yunho now, don’t worry”. Relief washed over him like an ocean and slipped back down into the warmth of his bed. “and here I thought you were asleep” Wooyoung let out a light giggle, reaching his hand to pat Seonghwa’s head. “Oh! Hyung, your shaking, are you cold? I’ll turn on the heating yeah?”. The weight left his bed. “I’ll see you in the morning yeah? Goodnight Hwa”. 

He swallowed the thickness in his dry throat.... “night”. 

He never slept a wink and was faced with dark circles under his eyes in the morning which matched the black and blue of his cheek and neck. Any time his eyes got the chance to shut he was met with that wall plastered against his eyelids, the taste of his own blood and the man’s saliva sitting on his tongue. 

He stared at himself in the mirror for what felt like hours upon hours before deciding he should cover himself in makeup. He couldn’t bring himself to shower, to see his naked body raked in red where the man’s fingers had dug in, no matter how dirty he felt. As he changed into his clothes his body ached, every slight brush against his shoulder caused him to wince in pain, but eventually he was dressed in a turtle neck and loose jeans. He threw that shirt in the bin. 

“Hwa come on! you’ve been in for hours” the words were dragged out, the door almost burst down from all the knocking. He clicked it open and was met with Wooyoung’s shocked face. “are you wearing makeup?!” he shot his eyes to the floor trying to avoid the others gaze and ignore the heat creeping up his neck. They rarely did their makeup for travelling, if ever, and when they did, they surely wouldn’t do it alone or so early in the morning. “Oh Hongjoong will love it!” he jumped up and down clapping his hands with the biggest smile on his face before pouncing onto Seonghwa. His arms came down heavy on Seongwha’s back and he scrunched his face, pleading to himself not to burst into tears from the pain. “Now get out, I need to pee”.

The journey felt long and uncomfortable. The woman next to him didn’t seem to understand what personal space was and he thought he would melt from heat. The seats irritated him, digging into every part of his body he didn’t want touched ever again. He tried putting listening to music and sleeping but woke up sweating even more and breath running away from him, the woman beside him shooting weird side glances at him. 

He felt a little hand on his shoulder and turned to look through the gap between the chairs. “I have a t-shirt in my bag if you want to change? It’s really hot isn’t it” “No Joong I’m okay”. He tried a smile and whipped back around.

Just get home, just get home, just. get. home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going on longer than I had originally planned! 
> 
> But I don't want to rush into him getting better  
> so hopefully you will be patient 😶❤️
> 
> I'll update soon, comments and kudos always appriciated!


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